FUNNY POEMS

BURNING CALORIES(New)

The burning

comes from walking

your fingers on the keys.

The blogging 

burns from writing

creative breeze,

The googling

burns from sighting

many Titties and kitties.

The Twittering

Well I don't twitter

What burns better?

The Iphone4 or Apple?

Copyright Philo Yan October 31, 2012

The Dishes Are Done(New)

© Ronald Doe

Well, the dishes are done,

There's nothing in the sink.

So I think I'll sit,

And pour myself a drink.

But just as I sit,

I hear her voice.

And I've got to get up,

Because I've got no choice.

You see, I've got this woman,

Who says she's my wife.

And says I promised to love her,

For the rest of my life.

She's awful bossy,

And overbearing too.

And she loves to tell me,

What to do!

She says," Ronald, are the dishes done?

Did you wash and dry each one?

Ronald, did you put them away,

Don't you listen to what I say?"

And I say,

"Yes, Dear, the dishes are done,

I washed and dried each one.

Yes, Dear, I put them away,

Because I always do whatever you say."

But I don't know why,

I let her treat me this way.

And I swear to God,

I'm going to leave her some day.

I'm going to walk out,

And I'm going to have some fun.

But until that day,

The dishes will be done.

By Ronnie Doe

Source:
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com 

What A Life!(New)

© Tessa

I once applied for a life online

Sadly however, I was declined

They told me I was not eligible

So I wrote them a letter to complain

They sent it back, it was not legible

So on with my search for a life

This has given me a bit of strife

I don't have enough money or any good looks

I can't paint a picture or write a book

I can barley chew gum and walk at the same time

I can even be quiet enough to become a mime

I once asked a professor where to find one

He directed me straight to an insane Asylum

I can't play the drums or even a fife

I guess I'll have to re-apply, What a Life!

Source: 
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com 

FUNNY MONEY

The funny thing about money,

It makes the world go round,

The real and  funny money,

Banks make the world go around,

By loaning and keeping money,

A dirty secret found, 

They even do the laundry
We all are so confound!

We love the smell of money,

But don't smell the funny money,

The banks are in big trouble,

They found one, now it's double.

And that's not so funny,

Coz it's one too many.

Copyright Philo Yan September 5, 2012

001 - A Dream

One night while sleeping in my chair

I met a lass who wasn’t there.

She bent and planted a big wet kiss

Upon my lips, what utter bliss.

She said, “If you want some more of those

You’d better take off all your clothes.”

She didn’t have to ask me twice

As she scanned by bod and said, “That’s nice.

If you want to, you can be my steady

As I see that you are more than ready.”

She led me gently to my bed

As she took her nightgown o’er her head.

Such beauty then did I behold

Pound for pound worth more than gold.

She lay down softly on my pad

In the best dream that I’d ever had.

Our bodies met, the heavens sang, 

Just then the damn alarm clock rang.

I woke with a start and cleared the air

And looked down at my empty chair.

I grabbed that clock and with a bat

I smashed that no good sucker flat.

I sat back down with a silent scream

And tried in vain to resume my dream.

Not that it really ever mattered

But my dream (and my clock) 

Are all now shattered. 

George Hunter

Your Place Or Mine?

I was just loafing around with nothing better to do

Thought I'd drift uptown and have me a brew.

Put on my cleanest dirty shirt, 

Wanting to look good in case I decided to flirt.

Strolled up the sidewalk, it wasn't that far

And soon I arrived at my favorite bar.

The name of this dive was Hunter's Hogan

I always admired that clever slogan.

Went in the door and stopped a spell, 

So dark in there I couldn't see well.

Oozed up to the bar, looking real cool

And plunked my ass down on my favorite stool.

The barkeep yelled out, "What's your mud? 

And I hollered back, "Make it a Bud."

Make it a Bud Light ‘cause I want to stay relatively sober

As I may be here until next October.

I was just sitting and enjoying my drink

Trying my best not to worry or think.

Just chillin' out from the cares of the day

And all the bad things that had come my way.

When all of a sudden the air in the room

Was permeated with the scent of expensive perfume.

I looked to my left and what did I see

Sitting on that stool very close to me.

A beautiful babe with flowing red hair

And legs that stretched from here to there.

A tiny waist and a bosom just right

Peeking above her dress so tight.

I could tell right off this dame had some class

As she even drank her beer from a glass.

I choked a bit and before I could think

I said, "Pardon me Miss, may I buy you a drink? "

She said, "Thank you sir, I'd like a small glass of red wine'

And after that, 'Will it be your place or mine? "

I was taken aback but I didn't blink

So I answered right away before I could think.

"Yours would be better, I'm so sure of that

As I didn't have time to clean up after my cat."

We went to her penthouse in a very fine place

Had a couple more drinks to slow down the pace.

Then we started kissing and fumbling and then undressing

I knew then that the good Lord had given his blessing.

Things were heating up so we got into bed

And then --

Sorry. Due to technical difficulties beyond my control, I am unable to complete this exciting, erotic tale at this time. Maybe later. Maybe never, if you're lucky.  

George Hunter

The Lesson

Chaos ruled OK in the classroom

as bravely the teacher walked in

the hooligans ignored him

hid voice was lost in the din

"The theme for today is violence

and homework will be set

I'm going to teach you a lesson

one that you'll never forget"

He picked on a boy who was shouting

and throttled him then and there

then garroted the girl behind him

(the one with grotty hair)

Then sword in hand he hacked his way

between the chattering rows

"First come, first severed" he declared

"fingers, feet or toes"

He threw the sword at a latecomer

it struck with deadly aim

then pulling out a shotgun

he continued with his game

The first blast cleared the backrow

(where those who skive hang out)

they collapsed like rubber dinghies

when the plug's pulled out

"Please may I leave the room sir?"

a trembling vandal enquired

"Of course you may" said teacher

put the gun to his temple and fired

The Head popped a head round the doorway

to see why a din was being made

nodded understandingly

then tossed in a grenade

And when the ammo was well spent

with blood on every chair

Silence shuffled forward

with its hands up in the air

The teacher surveyed the carnage

the dying and the dead

He waggled a finger severely

"Now let that be a lesson" he said 

Roger McGough

I'm Funny

I am funny 

thats who am i 

I am funny

Make u laugh n cry

I am funny

Do funny things 

I am funny 

I like to play with strings

I am funny 

And i don't care 

I look funny in my underwear

It's funny that im funny

Thats what i like to be

So lets be funny together

Be funny like me 

BRad Ical

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A ROSE, A BIRTHDAY WISH....

BIRTHDAY POEMS

FRIENDSHIP POEMS

LOVE POEMS

POEMS ABOUT BROTHERS

POEMS ABOUT FAMILY

POEMS ABOUT LIFE

POEMS ABOUT SENIORS

POEMS ABOUT SISTERS